FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*