*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.