*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
repaired
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
yea so i messed up lol
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps