when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said