My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.