[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Wednesday
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.