boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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Brother?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
life finds a way
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.