why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography