If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken