I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I love you to the refrigerator and back
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.