If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.