The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.