3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
i choose….tongue