The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
A customer told me they were never coming back….
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger