My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me