Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.