i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
the saddest jazz hands ever