Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
No, he would not have.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The symmetry is uncanny.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator