I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid