What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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put ‘er there pardner!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’ve had worse
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?