Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long