“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
You Might Also Like
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The “baby” on the left….
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?