It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
You Might Also Like
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride