Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin