🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so