My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
That’s no pocket rocket.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.