Good morning!
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
👾👾👾
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.