You Might Also Like
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Noah
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!