Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…