ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.