🙂🐾
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”