You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’m not stressed