When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.