Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Growing out my freckles.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree