Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores