I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.