Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
do horses think humans are hats
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away