[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Confused owl: What?!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar