[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”