People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
It鈥檚 sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Monsters can鈥檛 hide under my bed. That鈥檚 where my cats have their fight club.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I love how Hasbro鈥檚 Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.