me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The future is now.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed