Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You Might Also Like
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head