Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten