Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You Might Also Like
o shit
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
for all #parents out there
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My new favorite headline
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood