I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.