As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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I never know how much to tip a cow.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me doing my best
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history