NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.