You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
You Might Also Like
What about second breakfast?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “SĂ.” “Ja.”