Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
screw you
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.