horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
i spent way too long on this
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about